Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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