Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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