when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
