cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I died a long time ago.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Mom said you looked used
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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