I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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