we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
