I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
