Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
