My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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