I just pynch a tree in the face
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
