Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
