this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
