Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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