I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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