the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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