The maid of honor just puked.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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