That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
