by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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