My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
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