if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
