i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
