At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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