Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Randomize
