I got chris browned last night
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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