Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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