What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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