Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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