Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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