dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
