she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
