"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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