I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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