Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So many bounce houses so little time
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
