Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
