by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
