I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
