So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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