mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
