hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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