I can text with my tongue
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
