i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
