Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
