i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
