Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So many bounce houses so little time
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
