sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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