I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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