How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
we have officially lost it.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
