the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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