i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
