where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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