after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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