____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
