I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
