Moan for me like Helen Keller
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
