so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
