I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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