Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
