I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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